Ten principles of comfort
For many people, witnessing the pain and anxiety of others is a very painful thing, and we often want to resolve it quickly, take certain actions, or provide immediate relief.
Some people choose to say nothing to avoid saying the wrong thing, and miss the opportunity to express their concern.
When others need support or they ask for help themselves, they are often indifferent or out of bounds.
How to start a deep conversation “from the heart”, instead of just a superficial conversation that “brains the brain”?
How to integrate the body, mind, and spirit to make the most effective conversation in a natural posture?
Nancy, author of Therapy Dialogue?
Geer Martin provides ten principles of “dialogue of curative effect” on how to heal the gap in interpersonal communication and express his concern in a timely and appropriate manner.
The so-called “effect dialogue” refers to a conversation that compares the heart to the heart and puts people in the place, so that the helper can get a moderate relief, and the robe naturally achieves the “treatment effect”.
These ten principles are: Listening Listening is not keeping silent, but listening carefully to what the other person said, did not say, and the true meaning.
The so-called listening should use our eyes, ears, and heart to listen to each other’s voice, and at the same time do not rush to know the cause and effect of the matter immediately.
We must be willing to set aside our “inner dialogue”.
The so-called “internal dialogue” refers to a dialogue that is not consciously carried out in the mind while listening, including thinking about what to say, how to respond to the other party’s words, or thinking about the next topic.
Pausing between conversations, sometimes speaking, sometimes listening; we must also remind ourselves to slow down the unconscious mechanical reaction. For example, if we want to quickly resolve the other party ‘s anxiety, we jump directly to the stage of action-say or doSome things we think are good for each other.
If there is no pause, we may say something that we will regret later.
The art of comfort lies in “speaking the right words at the right time” and “speaking the wrong things without being impulsive.”
When friends are improper heroes to help others through difficult times, it is not the same as “saving” them from their painful situation.
We should agree with their pain, let them feel the pain, and do not try to dispel the pain quickly.
We only try to provide the axis that allows them to cross the “river of fear”.
When friends, family members are in emotional or physical pain, the most basic way to support them is to allow the other person to cry.
Crying is a way for the body to try to excrete emotional toxins, and tearing is a process for healing.
So please don’t rush to give the other person a facial tissue, just let him know that you support him.
Giving Comfort is not telling others: “You should feel .” or “You should not feel .” People have the right to keep their true feelings.
Consolation means: don’t judge them, don’t think that they are suffering and need help; consolation means: give them space to be themselves and agree with their feelings.
We do not need to express concern by “agreeing or disagreeing” with their choices or dealing with breakthroughs.
Empathy When we’re busy trying to help others, we may forget that people will perceive a change in our hearts-thoughts and feelings that are not spoken.
Although people cannot know exactly what we think, we can usually detect whether we are panicked, judge them, or feel sorry for them.
Comforting others face to face has a lot to do with our true state of mind.
Because we feel the same for their experience, we share the pain of each other, but also endure our own suffering.
There is no doubt what the situation is, the appearance of goodwill and comfort is a gift to the other party.
Long-term waiting for change will bring a lot of chaos, and no one can quickly rectify that chaos.
People need time to adapt, adjust, change and ask, “What if .
In the “Effective Dialogue”, we learned to accept the fact that our family members, colleagues or neighbors sometimes only need us to be their “resonance box” and they can use it repeatedly.
It’s okay to stand up bravely without any situation and feel embarrassed about not knowing what to say; it’s okay to let the people we want to know how we feel.
You can even honestly say: “I don’t know how you feel or what I should say, but I really care about you.
“Even if you think this expression is ridiculous, you can still let the other person know that you are not in a hurry to talk to him now.
You may choose to express your feelings and thoughts in writing.
In addition to verbal expressions, there are many different forms of “earnings dialogue”.
Providing practical resources does not require others to find answers to all questions, but you can try to provide available resources-other friends, experts, friends of friends, to help them find answers.
You can make a few calls for the other party to connect with them; you can also find relevant books for them to read; or simply provide a space for evasion so that they can continue to find their own answers in peace.
Set yourself up and help out when we ask, “Is there a place I can help?
“Sometimes there are answers, sometimes they don’t know they need some kind of help.
However, sometimes people may not be able to speak for themselves.
Thinking about the assistance people might need is the first step to helping others effectively.
Making good use of empathy Even though we have encountered similar experiences, we cannot fully understand the feelings of others, but we can make good use of empathy to care for each other.
Remember to listen patiently to other people’s stories first, and then consider whether it is necessary to share your own stories and whether the results shared are beneficial to the other party.